The amount of time it takes to find copyright free, high quality stock photos is higher than I thought. I’m cheap though, so as long as I don’t have to pay actual currency, I can work through it. The best part about stock photography is that sometimes it’s random as shit and hilariously bizarre. Here are a few of my favorites:
The cast of Twilight models shorts.
Don’t mind me, just fucking a chicken leg.
Remove the feet for safekeeping.
And here we see the rare croissant in its natural habitat.
I wanted to take a break from my usual and talk about Chris Cornell, and I’m writing this so that maybe I’ll stop thinking about him. I’m not writing this to debate or speculate if he intended to commit suicide or if his prescription medication altered his state of mind. The ultimate fact is that he is gone painfully too soon.
I would never say I was his biggest fan by far, but I enjoyed his work and loved how talented and versatile he was. His voice resonated with me from my youth to my current old bitterness. And his passing pains me more than I ever thought it would. I don’t know if it’s the shock and the suddenness. I’m being quite selfish here, because the tragedy of a stranger is making me talk about myself, but so be it. As a person that has fought with depression and suicide there are days where I feel like I’m barely hanging on. And I’m angry about that because my life is good right now. So good I want to freeze time. I want to seal this moment forever because I’m terrified of the future. I am under a doctor’s care, I take medication, I am not suicidal. Right now. That’s the terrifying part–once you’ve been there, you never really leave, at least not for me.
You remember these slides, right? This is how I feel like my life is. Maybe I started at the top like everyone else. In the sun, happy. But I found myself sliding down into the dark and I try to stop. You have to use both hands, both feet. And you get so fucking tired. So you try to climb back up to the top, where everyone else is, where the sunshine and air is. If you have people at the top, maybe they can lend a hand. Maybe medicine will make you strong and you can climb back up. But over time, you get so tired, and you feel things pulling at you, weighing you down.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get back up there. I’m not sliding down, but I feel like I’m very consciously holding on. And some days even with all the help you just get so damn tired and you know it would be so easy to let go and just slide down. It would be a relief. Even if the slide had no end or even a horrible end at least you wouldn’t be struggling so hard or hanging on to other people so heavily. That’s how I feel with depression. It feels like it’s always looming and it makes me a fraud. Because I can function and talk and make jokes and take care of my kids and my family and enjoy things and all the while I’m screaming inside because maybe it’s all fake and I’m lying to myself. Maybe I’ve learned how to put on a pretty good show.
To be clear, I feel firmly held right now, but I’m always aware and always afraid. Maybe it’s just how my life is and will have to be.
So when I hear about Chris Cornell, who by all accounts should be happy, like I should be happy…how could he slide down? How the hell can I hold on while someone who outwardly has everything cannot hold himself up or have the strength to hang on to someone else’s hand. What hope is there for me, when someone like him has lost all? I used to think that suicide was so selfish and it made me angry. It is selfish, but the weight that some people have, the demons that pull them down, are just too much. I feel robbed, as the whole world does, as his family and friends do. But I’m also selfishly afraid.
That’s really all. I just wanted to vent. Here are some videos.
“One” lyrics by Metallica, music by U2 Note: The lyrics have been slightly altered to fit with the music, so the lyrics below are not exact. You can hear “One” by Metallica here and “One” by U2 (original music video) here. Both amazing and haunting songs on their own. The video for Metallica’s video comes from the book and subsequent movie “Johnny Got His Gun” which is a whole other level of surreal.
I can’t remember anything Can’t tell if this is true or dream Deep down inside I feel to scream This terrible silence stops me
Now that the war is through with me I’m waking up, I cannot see That there’s not much left of me Nothing is real but pain now
Hold my breath as I wish for death Oh please, God, wake me
Back in the womb it’s much too real In pumps life that I must feel But can’t look forward to reveal Look to the time when I’ll live
Fed through the tube that sticks in me Just like a wartime novelty Tied to machines that make me be Cut this life off from me
Hold my breath as I wish for death Oh please, God, wake me
Now the world is gone, I’m just one Oh God, help me Hold my breath as I wish for death Oh please, God, help me
Darkness Imprisoning me All that I see Absolute horror I cannot live I cannot die Trapped in myself Body my holding cell
Landmine Has taken my sight Taken my speech Taken my hearing Taken my arms Taken my legs Taken my soul Left me with life in hell
“One” lyrics by U2, for reference.
Is it getting better Or do you feel the same Will it make it easier on you now You got someone to blame You say…
One love One life When it’s one need In the night One love We get to share it Leaves you baby if you Don’t care for it
Did I disappoint you Or leave a bad taste in your mouth You act like you never had love And you want me to go without Well it’s…
Too late Tonight To drag the past out into the light We’re one, but we’re not the same We get to Carry each other Carry each other One…
Have you come here for forgiveness Have you come to raise the dead Have you come here to play Jesus To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much More than a lot You gave me nothing Now it’s all I got We’re one But we’re not the same Well we Hurt each other Then we do it again You say Love is a temple Love a higher law Love is a temple Love the higher law You ask me to enter But then you make me crawl And I can’t be holding on To what you got When all you got is hurt
One love One blood One life You got to do what you should One life With each other Sisters Brothers One life But we’re not the same We get to Carry each other Carry each other
There’s a monster that lives ‘neath your bed Oh for crying out loud it’s a futon on the floor He must be flat as a boardThere’s a creature that lurks behind the door Though I’ve checked there 15 times When I leave then he arrives Every night
Tell the monster that lives ‘neath your bed To go somewhere else instead Or you’ll kick him in the head
Tell the creature that lurks behind the door If he knows what’s good he won’t come here anymore Cause you’ll kick in his butt at the count of four
Goodnight demon slayer, goodnight Now it’s time to close your tired eyes There are devils to slay and dragons to ride If they see you coming, hell they better hide
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight Goodnight my little slayer goodnight
Tell the monster that eats children, that you taste bad And you’re sure you’d be the worst that he’s ever had If he eats you, don’t you fret, just cut him open with an axe Don’t regret it, he deserved it, he’s a cad
Tell the harpies that land on your bed post That at the count of five you’ll roast them alive Tell the devil its time you gave him his due He should go back to hell, he should shake in his shoes Cause the mightiest, scariest, creature is you
Goodnight demon slayer, goodnight Now it’s time to close your tired eyes There are devils to slay and dragons to ride If they see you coming, hell they better hide
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight Goodnight my little slayer goodnight
I won’t tell you, there’s nothing ‘neath your bed I won’t tell you, that it’s all in your head This world of ours is not as it seems The monsters are real but not in your dreams Learn what you can from the beasts you defeat, you’ll need it for some of the people you meet
Goodnight demon slayer, goodnight Now it’s time to close your tired eyes There are devils to slay and dragons to ride If they see you coming, hell they better hide
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight Goodnight my little slayer goodnight
Goodnight, goodnight, goodnight Goodnight
This is easily one of my favorite songs, let alone a Halloween standard. It’s beautiful and I say that completely without sarcasm. The violin. The violin!
