chukichi

this thing is still about things

That Filler Entry

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What is the word…when you get so overwhelmed you just freeze up?  Like, jammed, but not.  Why do I think it starts with a C?  Used with machinery?

Anyway, my brain is stuck and I don’t know the word that I’m trying to use.  I have, in the last 10 years or so, come to understand that it’s anxiety that leads me to make lists and over plan.  Do you do this?  I do this.  A LOT.

Now, making lists means literally nothing in relation to completing anything on said lists.  But sometimes it’s nice to see that is going on in my brain in a semi-ordered manner, even if it’s temporary.  Every once in a while, I’ll realize that once it’s all written out, there isn’t as much there as I originally thought.  Unfortunately, more often than not, I find that there is so much more going on that I wasn’t even thinking about.

Maybe list making is a bad idea.  Or the best idea ever.

Pressing matters

Saturday, in the Park…ing lot

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I am sitting in my car at 8:34 AM—cigarette lighter fan going, ice cold Diet Cokes within reach, listening to Spotify, typing on my laptop on a desk that attaches to my steering wheel…  What a time to be alive!

Why yes, my car *is* dirty.

Now, I’m not sitting in a random parking lot like a creep; I’m sitting in the parking lot of a local middle school like a weirdo.  My Saturdays for the next 3-4 months will be occupied with taking Josh to his Korean language class.  Yeah…Korean.

NewsflashI’m not Korean.

Neither is my husband nor are either of my children.  I am a firm believer that kids learn better when they actually want to because I’m one of those kinds of hippy nerds.  You know, the correct kind.  Of course, he was completely uninterested in my 5 years of high school and college Spanish that I’ve completely forgotten.  Japanese was briefly considered which would have been awesome, but he is, if anything, a practical old man in a young man’s body and chose Korean based on his 6 years of tae kwon do.  He has a variety of instructors that are fluent and excited to help him practice and he also reasons that if he ever has the opportunity to study at Kukkiwon, he should probably know how to communicate.

I’m almost 4 times his age and he has his shit together better than I do.  Fucking hell.

So that decision lead us to the Korean language program recommended by his Grandmaster taekwondo instructor.   It’s the same school that his own children attended so you can’t really get a better recommendation than that.  Every Saturday we leave the house by 8 AM so we can eat breakfast and make it to class by 8:45; class ends at 12:15 PM.  We study daily throughout the week and when I say “we”, I mean I observe that he does his homework and studying and sporadically suggest he watch a YouTube video to check pronunciation.  I was able to highlight some words in a Korean-English dictionary for him.  I’m helping.

This class started on August 10 which just so happened to overlap with his tae kwon do black belt ceremony.  See?  So much has happened since I last blogged for real!  He tested in May of this year and the weeks leading up to his exam involved extra classes throughout the week and double classes on Monday nights.  It was also expensive, at least, what we consider expensive.  It was practically spit-take expensive, but completely worthwhile and necessary.  Could you imagine how shitty that would have been to say no to such a milestone?  Hey, I know you spent *literally* half of your life working up to this, but I’m going to take this opportunity to stop supporting your goals.

Oh my fried chicken!

The hardest part was waiting for the official confirmation that he would be promoted—all test results are sent to Korea and reviewed and approved at Kukkiwon which took about 8 weeks.  His first day of Korean language class was cut short so we could attend his black belt ceremony where I cried for LITERALLY the entire time.  I’M CRYING RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THAT’S MY KIND OF PROUD MOM CRAZY BULLSHIT.

I know that it might seem weird to just sit outside for three and a half hours, but I’m about 40 minutes away from home based on traffic so it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to drive him here, drop him off, go home for an hour or so, come pick him up, go back home.  It just feels wasteful for both time and gas.  There is a Sam’s Club right down the street, and an H-Mart not far from that, so at least when I need to shop, it’s convenient.  I’ve been spending most of my time doing lesson plans and research but now, I’m trying to use at least part of this block of time for Me whether it be writing, working on some perpetually unfinished craft project, or simply napping.  Honestly, at first I felt a bit like a martyr for “selflessly” sacrificing my Saturday mornings for my offspring but that mindset was, at least for me, true mommy blogger virtue signaling bullshit.  I fucking chose this, happily and freely.  I don’t have brat kids that beg or guilt me; in fact, quite the opposite.  Josh spent quite some time really considering what he wanted to do–tae kwon do 3 days a week, swim two days a week and now this class for the entirety of his Saturday morning.  He purposefully declined joining the demo team at TKD so that he could focus on what was already on this plate.

If you’re unaware, a demo team is exactly what it sounds like:  a group that demonstrates all of the cool, choreographed showy moves.  We went to a local tournament this year to support some of his classmates and ever since he hasn’t stopped talking about how his school should re-start their demo team so he could join.  Sure enough, they decided to re-form and he was really torn.  Demo team would have meant one more evening in class for a total of EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK doing something.  He made his decision based on my boundaries, his own time restrictions, and how it would impact his family, not just himself.  Again, what even is this child!

Luckily, I don’t have to worry about Robin wanting to learn Korean—as of right now, she says she wants to learn Italian so she can understand musical terminology better.  GREAT.

Blog all the things!

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Or maybe none of the things.  I suppose this is the new semi-annual blog post, full of apologies for not blogging and bursting with excuses about life and time and blah, blah, blah.

Found on the internet to perfectly encompass my entire being.

I mean, it’s fine.  There are only like, 3 people that read this anymore and I’m fine with that.  The thing that *does* bother me is that I actually like doing this whole blogging thing regardless of readership.  I’m definitely that kind of idiot that laughs at my own jokes and appreciates my own honest stupidity.  I like documenting the good and ridiculous parts of my life–the minutiae that makes me happy and frustrated and moronic on a daily basis.  I hate only keeping a secret hidden diary that goes in depth with all of the über-dark feelings that are terrifying in the light of day.  I’ve been keeping a list of things I want to blog about and if I really applied myself like all of those teachers in middle school told me to do, I would have ten thousand pages of content.

But yeah, no.

In the past 6 months or so there has been so much going on.  Things that in the moment feel like tumultuous life changes, both positive and negative but now, over time, don’t seem nearly as big.  For the most part, this is a good thing.  I don’t want an exciting life.  I’m old, goddammit and I’m tired and I want the enjoyment of predictability, not the anxiety of a shit storm around each corner.  Life in general has been overwhelming and I feel a desperation to shoehorn in ME time.  And then I feel guilty when I’m so tired that ME time is just playing cell phone games or watching YouTube videos about washing cars.  Seriously, if you’re not subbed to Stauffer Garage what are you even doing with your life?

I have 3 hours of dedicated work time on Saturdays (more on that eventually) so ideally I’ll use that time wisely and write at least a little bit.  Until the next super delayed post!