Oy. I am the worst of the worst. Not because I haven’t blogged, but because I am stuck in a really shitty malaise. As I age (badly and ungracefully) I find that my body is much more sensitive to medicines and their affects. Some drugs stay in my system forever and others leave me too quickly. A drug that once had lingering effects 24 to 48 hours after ingesting now is on a tighter timeline. Other drugs that I could double up on and barely feel relief from are now flooring me with what should be its prescribed dosage.
What a pain.
So what this means is that there is less leeway in the drugs I take for my depression, my Ambien sometimes makes me want to die (and if I take half a dose it does nothing), and I’m constantly anxious about whether or not I’m getting worse or if I’m just not scheduled enough or if I didn’t get enough sleep or if the moon is in the seventh house. Fun.
I’m torn between ‘talk to a new doctor/your old doctor’ and ‘stop being a stupid baby, you stupid baby’. ‘See if you need to adjust your medicines’ to ‘stop being a lazy asshole’. As if suddenly becoming a caffeine free, gluten free vegan on a cruelty free patchouli oil only diet would solve all my problems. I don’t know, maybe it would, but so many murders would take place between now and then.
I have been making some positive changes, like quitting Weight Watchers. That was my fat tax every month for 8 months or so. I used it maybe 3 times. I’ve used it with success in the past, but my mindset has been garbage now for so long so it’s pretty worthless. Sadly, as I’m typing this out, I realize how shitty my mindset *has* been and for how long. Ugh. For Christmas I bought myself a $10 5-cup coffee pot for my bedroom to make hot tea. I’m drinking some (decaffeinated) hot tea before bed as a bedtime ritual. It might help, but at the very least, it doesn’t hurt. I’m trying to listen to my body as it screams at me to sleep and rest. These don’t even seem like drops in the bucket though. More like a…dampness. A dew? I need to make some real changes and I know this. But I’m a CHILD and I DON’T WANT TO. THINGS ARE HARD TO DO.
I found white hair in my hairbrush. Not just a stray hair like I’ve been finding since I was a teenager (when you have black hair, you notice these things right away) but hair in my hairbrush. I used to pull out my white and skunk hair (half black, half white) because that’s what the women in my family always did. I’d sit on the back of the sofa and pull my aunts’ white hairs for 10 cents each. They were only in their 20s and early 30s at that point, so as a kid, I knew they were too young to have gray hair. So when I started noticing my own, the immediate action was to remove it. Yes, I know that it just comes back and sticks out even more because it’s shorter than the rest. Yes, I know that pulling one gray hair doesn’t mean that two will grow back in its place. Yes, I know that dyeing my hair is an option. It is and it isn’t. I’ve seen what black hair dye looks like on old Asian women and it’s BLACK. Like, BLACK-BLACK. Like coal dust or something. It has never looked natural to me, so I am probably going to go gray naturally.
Weird fact: I’ve always wanted to dye my hair white. Okay, maybe *not* so weird. I keep thinking now is the time to do it, but my hair is super long right now and home dyeing will damage it like crazy. Not to mention it probably wouldn’t work, even if I bleached my hair first.
So while there is no Chuberlist this year (as there hasn’t been a real one in quite some time), I do have the standard goals that most people have: eat better, exercise more. Journal old school style with paper and pen, blog more. Face more demons. More school. Learn something. I plan on reading more and I have some bigger projects in my head that I would like to complete. I need to buy a new sewing machine (mine broke!) and a new fish tank (upgrade!) and new glasses (I’m blind!) and a new car (yeah right!). Or at least, service my car to keep it running for another 11 years.
So in the mean time, I’m going to try to grow up some and be a moderately responsible adult. I’m officially going to be in my LATE 30’s this year, so better late than never. I’m not going to hold my breath or anything, but I am at least making an attempt. I hope the New Year is good for you and I hope it will be good for me, too.