Last year was one of, if not the most, difficult year of my life, hands down. For whatever reason (hope? stupidity? naivety?) I thought that by sheer force of will this year would just magically be better. It didn’t quite turn out that way.
Without barfing up all the details here, I’ll just say that sometimes everything has to fall apart before they can get better. That happens, right? Things can get better if they fall all to shit? I’m trying to think of a good example and everything escapes me. I’m going to assume that it’s because I’m dumb and can’t think of anything good to say rather than think there is no appropriate metaphor.
We’re trying. We’re trying to try. You can’t just not try, right? I swing between hope and despair, progress and futility. I wish there was a way to set yourself on fire and burn away the past. I am fully willing to admit that I am a total shit when it comes to letting things go. I have to try very, very hard to lock that shit away. Put that thought, that emotion, that feeling in a tiny box. Lock it. Put it in a windowless room in the tower of a fortress. Brick that the fuck up. Encase it in iron. Shoot it into space.
I try, you know? I really do, but it takes nothing to break that shit open. I’m not very good at this game, apparently. Having said all that, things have been changing all around me. The world continues to spin and continually reminds me that I am easily forgotten.
Last weekend was the first time in 2+ years that the Mr. and I had gone out together without the kids. Next week we are vacationing as a family to Savannah, GA. It’s been seven years since we were there on our first and last vacation. He will start a new job in a couple of weeks so that he will actually have an opportunity to be with his family.
I hope this vacation will be good. At best, it will a fresh start for us all. At worst…it won’t be. I’d rather not think about that.
I’m not going to lie, I’m slightly paranoid because it feels like we’re getting a SUPER GREAT DEAL. It’s $30 more dollars per night than the (single, kind of shitty) hotel room we stayed in seven years ago. We’ll board the dog. Skip Tae Kwon Do for a week. Let the kids stay up later than they should and have cookies and milk before bed.
Let me tell you something, my friend. Hope is a dangerous thing. Hope can drive a man insane.
Here’s to hope.