Much like the early settlers, I have been burning a swath of destruction throughout the Midwestern states. Let’s look at this handy infographic for more information:
Let’s discuss from left to right, shall we?
Missouri: Oh the glory days of underage drinking and general reckless living. Missouri encompasses all that and more–the more part being the $14 I ended up owing via state income taxes. There is nothing in Missouri for me except for hateful family, a tax bill and bad memories of growing up the hard way. My apartment was fucking awesome, though, even if it could fit in my master bedroom today.
Illinois: The entire Southern half of the state is off limits. Period. No thank you. I am wary of the Chicago section primarily because I’m simply not cool enough based on the people I know that live there. Of any friends that I have left in Illinois, I probably wouldn’t actually go see them *in* Illinois. Small town bullshit is a very effective deterrent from visiting ever again, let alone actually living there.
Ohio: First there was an ex-boyfriend that was 6 years my senior. How we were together for as long as we were can be chalked up to part apathy, part insanity. The instant that I saw him blow his nose in a fucking sock because he was too lazy to get a tissue should have been the end point. Actually, the fact that my friends and I gave him the nickname “keychain boy” should have been the first sign, but anyway. Then there was the friend that played an older sister role (she’s a year older than I am and I was good friends with her brother). But sometimes you cross the line, like when you tell me to divorce my husband (the husband you’ve never met) and joke about my problems on FACEBOOK. And then there’s the friend that never got the chance to be my friend because of miss communication and also I’m crazy. This is the one that breaks my heart, but there’s nothing I can do about it now. 3 out of 11.5 million people in one state can’t be wrong, right?
Fun fact: Carmel, IN is the best place to live according to Money magazine. Too bad I’ll never get to live there since it’s right in the path of my terrible destruction.