On being dumb and feeling ugly

It’s vacation eve!  It’s been about 5 years since I’ve been anywhere which is sad and pathetic.  I haven’t blogged because LIFE and I haven’t even talked about the girl’s 8th birthday which was awesome.

Really, I’m feeling like shit.

I’m going to push it off on some lame ass life stress but I’m in that shitty place where I feel like I’m not allowed to feel bad.  The “you have no reason to feel bad”/”other people have it worse” speech.  Which is, admittedly, one of the dumbest things ever.  Nothing has changed with my medication, just my normal routine has been in flux for too long and I’m simply worn.  I hate that I feel like I’m never going to find a happy medium.  Maybe because my life isn’t faceted enough?  So I guess I just get to be crushed under one big stupid thing?

Here’s the thing that’s bugging me tonight, because I’d like not to go on a 6,000 word diatribe about feelings.  I’m going to the symphony.  It’s a slightly casual symphony, thank god.  I’ll post about it (eventually) when I get back.   This is a good thing, right?  I’m excited to see the show.  I’m excited to celebrate my wedding anniversary.  I’m excited that my children will get to see something that’s not a movie.  But it’s me we’re talking about.  What I want is this:

Because I have completely realistic expectations about life.

I bought a new dress, new boots, dyed my hair, felt good for about three whole seconds.  And then I remembered myself.  Which I really wish I wouldn’t to.  Because in my mind, “me” is really some fucking garbage.  Old habits are hard to break, and when stress and life has worn away the shell of normalcy…well shit.  I didn’t make this, but I fucking found this image tonight and thought OH SHIT IT’S A SIGN FUCK THE UNIVERSE:

Rational Me is around some where and she knows this is dumb but she’s pretty silent and I’m going to try to quiet the Shit Me for the moment with a shower and video games before I get to wake up at the crack of 8 like some sort of human being.  I’m happy to go on vacation.  I am.

I should be, anyway.

Post Author: chukichi

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